It does not get any better than this!

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I just watched the "Shut Up and Sing"; it's that documentary about the dixie chicks. I remember when Natalie said "anti-Bush" remarks. However at the time I didn't really follow it. At the time I assumed she said something like, "Fuck Bush", or "Fuck the War". Even then, I didn't blame her for saying anything. After watching the documentary it looks like her exact comment was,
"Just so you know, we’re on the good side with y’all. We do not want this war, this violence, and we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas"

So i'm watching this movie waiting to see this horrible thing she said and i couldn't believe that that one little comment was what all the fuss was about. All she is saying is that she doesn't like Bush and she wish's he wasn't from her home state. The people who protested her had the right to do so because we are all allowed a voice. She used her voice and they used theirs. The people who tried to violently protest her or who used shady tactics should be deeply ashamed of themselves.

So I agree she had every right to say what she said. However, I think that musicians sound like idiots when they make political statements. But, musicians say things that make them sound like idiots all the time so who cares...besides they have every right to say it. Personally I was really irritated by Natalie' s awful personality...well I suppose I shouldn't say personally because I have never met her so i can't be 100% sure she is as annoying and retarded acting as she was in that documentary. So I don't like her, but I don't dislike her for saying what she said in 2003. (Gee that was confusing)

Whether or not I like her personality has nothing to do with the fact that she is an awesome singer. Also, how I feel about the Bush administration shouldn't have anything to do with what music I listen to. Disliking an artists views or personality shouldn't have any affect on their music. Besides, I dislike her personality but, I enjoy the messages in Dixie Chicks songs.

We all enjoy having a voice and thats why blogs and journals are soo popular. I don't think Natalie is qualified to make political decisions for large groups of people, but I'm not really qualified to write this journal either. Bottom Line: Musicians don't know much about politics, but they have every right to talk voice their opinion on it.

I have felt soo awsome lately!!! Knowing that I will not have to work this quarter is just such a big relief! In the past I have struggled with depression, but its really awsome to know that no longer does "depression" define me! I have such strong loving feelings for my family and the people I care about. Its interesting...you aren't really able to love your family till you grow up a little. Granted, I have a lot of growing up left to do, and I loved my family when I was younger. All that said....the ability to truly love does come with age.
In other interesting news my mom is trying to fix me up with someone who its literally a little more than twice my age. It gets more interesting when you consider the fact that I had a dream about this person (before i ever met hiam) few weeks ago. My room is accosting me with a cactus nub vibrato. I am wearing a sticker on shirt that is really cool and exciting and it says, "We Speak Tax". I am trying to ignore an N-SYNC table cloth and a HUGE bottle of ketchup.
Well at least i finished my math homework. I am know i am soo lame, but I really love the way it feels to solve a hard math problem. Oh well, at least i am not in to the cursed World of Warcraft.

        Isn't it interesting the lengths we go to, to place ourselves in our comfort zones. Places and people we know and are familiar with help us appreciate our individuality. Sometimes our bad habits and our addictions are also sought out in that ongoing quest to find our comfort zone so we can be at peace.
        Eventually, we learn that just because a place, a habit, or a person is comfortable doesn't mean that its healthy or productive. Usually we realize this far sooner than we realize we have to change our behavior, if we ever do change our behavior.
But then again, there is something to be said about reconnecting with old friends and enjoying old pastimes. If there is no one to remember our past, we fail to exist.
        Sometimes when we explore our own past and tread on ground that has otherwise gone untouched for years, we remember the reason we left in the first place. With our gained wisdom since our last encounter we decide if our inital reasons were justified or a prodcut of our younger mistake-ridden mind.
        Its when we step away from our comfort zones that we realize they really weren't what we thought they were anyway. We exaggerates ideas in our mind and forget the things we choose not to remember.
        Exploring old comforts can remind us of the reason we left or they can inspire us to appreciate the situation with our new minds. Slightly older, a little wiser, and more curious, we are able to obtain more from remenants of our past than we could have in earlier years.
        Reapproaching our pasts with new minds doesn't cause us to go backwards in our maturity. Instead, it causes us to move forward and percieve things we otherwise would never have noticed.
While there are risks, examing oneself is tottally worth it.

        I am not really sure about anything, but I am as sure as I can be on some things. (that was a grammatical tradgedy)
I do belive that evil exists. I think that most likely there exits no person who is inherently evil. I think we do evil deeds. I think we let evil flow through us. That said, I don't think there is any person out there who is beyond saving. When I say "saving" I am referring to the redemption of one soul by the highest power (To me that highest power is God).
        I don't think we can ever fully understand "the ultimate way" or "the highest principles" or God. Although I think it is our duty study God (and the ways we should live) eternally. However, I think at times we get damn close to knowing Gods intentions. We use our understanding (partial understandind) of God to make choices. Since our understandind is eternally imperfect our choices are eternally imperfect, but we are doing the best we can. I believe god is satisfied with our best. Even if our best is far from perfect.
        We have to make decisons about our behavior. We have to make decisons about who we choose to associate with. I think this is the tricky part. I do not think that God wants us to be judgemental. I don't believe that God wants us to try and decide how deserving a person is. However, I believe God does not want us to associate or seek out people who have contagious harmful behaviors. This doesn't meet we reject our neighbor who has a particularly bad habit. We have to be there for them. We have to support them when they need support. But, if a behavior is one that we are particularly susceptible too then it is appropriate to distance ourselves from that person.
        My point is that there is a difference between judging and observing. I observe a behavior/habit/characteristic is someone that I don't want to have or be a part of. I don't try and decide what punishment this person deserves (if any); its simply not my place, but its not wrong to distance myself from that person.
        I believe people who do outreach work are very strong, and in no way do I fault them for helping people who need help. The people are fault are those who socialize with evil do'ers and justify it by quoting, "Judge lest not ye be judged".
I think the phrase "Watch Yourself" is also important.

        I have a lot of respect for McDonald's employee's. They have a tedious dirty job. I am sure just about every customer that comes through McDonald's thinks they are better than the employee. There is a stigma that goes along with working in fast food, particularly McDonalds. They do all this for very little pay; the abslute minimun McDonalds corp. can pay them by law. They have to wear silly uniforms and they have to take a ridiculous concept of fast food seriously. These people are not lazy. They are not ashamed to work. They do not have excessive pride. A lot of people when given the option of no job or McDonalds choose not to work. I'm proud of them for being independent are and putting thier own feelings second to their families.
        My first apartment was in the worst part of the best side of town (did i lose ya?). My parents moved me in there because it was cheap and we didn't realize the neighborhood was a bad as it was. I have since moved to nicer apartments, but I will never forget the people who lived in that neighborhood. Sure there were the drug dealers who are the absolute scum of society but, there were also poor hardworking people there. These people were not lazy. Shame on us, I have done it before, for calling poor people lazy. There are lazy poor people dont get me wrong i have see that type too. But, there is another type of poor person. The type who works full time plus overtime in an incredibly low paying job and remains below the poverty line. This person but on their work uniform which is a ridiculous humilating/dehuminizing outfit and walks to their minimum wage job. All the while being called lazy.
        In recent months I have been forced to go to wal-mart. I needed stuff for my apartment and I knew it was way cheaper at wall-mart so i sucked it up and went. I have only been there a few other times and usually I spent the whole time irriated at people who brought their 6 kids, their uncle, their sister-in-law, their mother and their father, and their neighbor along with them. I hated (and well still do hate) the ridiculously long lines and the people I had labeled as "tacky" in them. On closer inspection I realized that these people were just buying the things they desperatly needed at the only price they could afford. I saw their worried and tired eyes (no botox, just crows feet) looking at the price of every scanned item. In their carts was food, shampoo, socks, and even clothes. I watched them pay in cash and saw their hundread dollar bills. I believe the large bills were because they were paid under the table or didn't have a banking account.
        I was buying non-essential items like a bathroom shelf and a DVD. At the time they felt like needs but, looking around I could see that I was fortunate to have all my needs met.
        There are many poor people who are accused of being poor, as if their poverty is a crime.
If your lazy then your poverty is a crime. If you suck up money that u don't deserve and meant for a hardworking needy person then you are also a criminal. But, if you are working as hard as you can and doing all that you can do to be independent then you certainly shouldn't be accused of anything.
        I don't believe in the death penalty, but if I did I think I would say that drug dealers (minus just the potheads, they are dumb but harmless) and ANYONE who sells drrugs to children (even pot, sell it to kids and your scum) should be executed. But, im not a government official and I don't believe in the death penalty.
        I wouldn't call myself a republican (I'm really more libertarian) but, I almost always vote republican. I do believe in helping people help themselves. But, I think its terrible to hate someone or to judge someone because they are poor.
My clothes were probably (well more like most definitely) made in a sweat shop. I own a hair product with human hair protein in it, the protein came from real human hair in china (i doubt it was hair from anyone with a wealthy lifestyle). My whole lifestyle is the way it is because someone was poor and able to make me the products I want.
        I know a person from school who is from africa, I believe from Niger. This person had a decent upbringing and told me they they were sheltered from the poverty there. This person knows of the aids pandemic, warring tribes, the genocide, the blood diamonds, child soldiers, and child workers. She thought (obviously/of course) that the situaltion was terrible. Though she didn't think there was much anyone could do about it. She had accepted that in order for their to be wealth (or even just a decent standard of living) in the world (isolated families, the US, Some of Europe, Japan and so on) there had to poverty. I don't know if i completely agree but, its sure an interesting point. To think that every fortune I enjoy I have because of the misfortune of another. I don't feel guilty, I don't really think i should, but I do feel sad for all those people who lost the birth lottery and were born in a crapy place.

Artist: Billie Holiday Lyrics
Song: I'll Be Seeing You Lyrics
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I miss you Grandma. I will never forget you. I will look after the people you loved, I promise. I didn't get to say goodbye to you, but I spent many days with you and I have many precious memories of your entertaining personality and selfless generosity. I do look up at the moon and see you. I also remember when we were at the cafe. I will treat my Grandchildren as wonderful as you treated me. Your kindess will never be forgotten. We had the same quirks. I wish you could have been healthier and enjoyed this life in your end days... But, you are healthy now. You were always soo beautiful. If its meant for us to ever communicate, then I will be receptive. You left us your voice, your music, your talent, and a simple, but beautiful recording of this song. I'll be seeing you too, Grandma.

Monumental Events in my life
    - Age 3.5- My sister is born • I remember the bright hospital lights. I remember my sister coming out covered in what appeared to be "tomato sauce". I remember my father's reaction. I remember that a lot of people were there.
     - Age 5- My first day of school* I took my first shower that day. All the other days I had taken baths. My mom didn't think I could take a shower, she thought I would be afraid, but she was wrong. I remember being afraid. I remember being more excited than afraid. I remember getting up early because I was soo excited. I remember watching my mom put lots of makeup on.
     - Age 9.5- My parents got a divorce* I remember them hammering the "for sale" sign into the ground in the front yard of our large beautiful house in Creek Bridge. I remember thinking that everyone else's parents got a divorce but mine…except…now mine were going too to…this type of thing wasn't supposed to happen to my family. I remember my mother telling me. I remember my father telling me. I remember hating my mother. I remember when my mother told my sister. I remember losing all ambition and motivation. I remember my sisters young, sad, innocent face. I remember packing up all my things I liked. I remember my last days in the house with dad. I remember wanting to remain loyal to my Father.
    - Age 13- I start 8th grade at San Juan Middle School * I had been going to private school for the last four years. I was afraid of public school. I remember the first day. I remember the atmosphere of older kids that were maturing and dating. I remember being envious of their life experience and stability. I remember seeing the group I most identified with but staying away from them because they were uninteresting. I can remember thinking about my weight for most of the Day. I remember hating my mother. Depression begans to surface for the first time.The resentment for her grew inside me everyday. Next year, when I attended a public high school for my Freshman year I began dating. I adored C. Although, I had not yet developed the capacity to love.
    - Age 16.5- I start to grow up• I believe I started to grow up when I was 17 years old. At this time I looked out at the world around me instead of only looking into myself. I struggle with depression. At this age I had strong feelings of disappointment and disgust for my mother. I appreciated my father. I want to know why I exist.
     - Age 17- First love • When I was 17 I developed the capacity to love. I was able to appreciate another person beyond a level of infatuation. I fell in love with a much older man. He taught me many things. He honestly gave me his heart. He helped me grow up. However, he was not always honest and he disappointed me in many ways. This was my first relationship of this kind...with this level of..."closeness". He was very supportive. For the first ¾ of our relationship, it was a positive experience. My mother did not approve and she made it come to an end with enormous threats. For the second time in my life she took away my one peice of true happiness. I learned more about myself and my capacity to live. I learned a little something about men too. Because of this experience, I would always be disappointed with the immature natures of men my age.  Depression is constant...a way of living.
         - Age 18- High School to College• For many reasons, I go to CSU Bakersfield. I am very disappointed and ashamed of myself for not going to a better school. I regret this decision frequently. I am still lacking ambition never regained it since my parents divorce. Although, I know that I am accountable for my lack of motivation. I know that I want to make something great of my life though…I decide I want to have a career in medicine. Depression comes and goes.
        - Age 18.7- I move out * I move out of my mothers house and have a lot of financial help from my my parents. I am not afraid. I am ready to leave. I am tired most of the time. I am able to accept all my family members. Though some of them have hurt me I am able to accept it. I am envious of other of my peers that are in happy relationships. I am single by choice…but its only half-choice. I am not able to find anyone worthwhile. I learn that people are not as great as I thought. The average person has less going for them then I had previously believed. I realize I was sheltered growing up. I miss my father and sister. I am curious about my purpose on in life. Again, I am curious about why I exist. Abstract thoughts are common in my head. I want to know who I am. I want to know who I am not. I want to make my future great. I put great hopes in my future, because I am unhappy at present. I am unhappy because I am depressed. I am happy with my lifestyle. But unhappy…I do not know why. Although, I do know that the depressed mood is another episode of recurring life long depression.
         - Age 19- My grandmother dies• For the first time in my life someone I am very close to dies. She was an extension of myself. This makes her death more intense...but at the same time...it makes it easier to deal with.I don't cry that much although I am very sad. However, there is a peace associated with it. I am not sure why I feel this peace. Most of the sadness I feel is for my mother and my grandfather. I miss my grandmother but, I do not feel sorry for her. I don't think she needs the sympathy. I believe her to be at peace.
         - Age 20- Love • I realize how much I love my family. I have an urge for children in the future. I begin to understand the maternal instinct. I am more comfortable with all relationships, platonic and non-platonic. I am more comfortable with all aspects of relationships     
        -Age 20.5- Nothing in this life is free.* Quite simple actually, nothing in this life is free.

This artist, Mclean, was able to express what I feel about Vincent. Vincent was able to express what i feel about myself. I admire the gifts of these too spirits. Such gifts i do not posess. Brooke, this song has always reminded me of you as well.

Artist: Don McLean
Song: Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)



Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

     Most of the time I screw myself over.  I do not know why I do it, but I have done it all myself.  I can be soo incredibly lazy and irresponsible.  I can honestly say I have been given every opportunity in this life needed to succeed and I have taken advantage of them...well...minimally (by the way I can't spell and I am aware of it).  I have absolutely zero discipline. I eat too much. I sleep too much. I don't clean enough. I miss class too much.  I don't "fix up" enough. I don't get my nails or toes done.  I don't wash my car.  I stay up too late. I am always about 2 min late for work.  I don't save money.  I squander money.  And, you know what is the saddest part??? I could stop it all right now. I am the one in control. I could live a disciplined healthy succesful life. However, ultimately....I have no control over myself.

Since I was about 14 I have been told I have a flirtatious personality. I always thought of myself as never flirting, but instead always being myself. Apparently myself is flirtatious. The people in my life who are close to me have recently told me they are offended by this. I don't consider myself to be flirtatious, but I accept that I am because I have heard it soo many times.
If it is true, and I am a big flirt...well then I feel pretty dumb. I never do it on purpose. I don't ever want to hurt anyone. I certainly don't want to screw anyone over. Part of it may be that I am a really "unjealous" person. If other women flirt or are friendly with my bf ( I don't have a bf right now, but hypothetically speaking) then I take it as a compliment. The only thing that would bother me is if he flirted too heavily back. In fact, I want my friends to be close with my guy.
Part of this confusion may have come around because I tried extra hard to be friendly too friends of those close to me. Maybe I am just not old enough or mature enough to know the difference between friendly and flirty.
The fact that I am incredibly bold doesn't really help much either. I also have a tendency to say whats on my mind. If one thing is in my head it immediately flys out of my mouth. I have always been this way.
In general I enjoy being included. I don't like to be left out. I don't need to be the center of attention, but I don't mind if I am. Its true though that I am a better talker than listener.
So all these things said...in the end I feel hurt. I'm not tottally why I feel hurt. I feel a little guilty and at the risk of sounding like an emo teen I feel very misunderstood. Ultimately I am sorry that I behaved rudely. I am sorry that I let people down. However, I can honestly say that I always just try to be myself. And, if myself isn't right...well then who am I supposed to be?